Remember in CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY when Charlie found the golden ticket and Gene Wilder told him to carefully fold it up into an origami swan and fly it up his ass, and maybe come back later? …YOU WILL!

Well Adam finally found his golden ticket, that’s right Adam actually had some good luck for once. Adam entered himself in a local magazine contest to win ColdPlay tickets, the tickets went to the person with the best entry of why they deserve the tickets. Adam considers himself to be a huge ColdPlay fan, but he hasn’t been able to see a concert in many years. Adam has never been able to see ColdPlay, so he really spilled his smelly guts in his contest entry… He really wanted to win!

Since Adam is such a sad bastard that even dirty street pigeons feel bad to shit on him, he WON the contest. The editor of the magazine was so moved by Adam’s entry that she wrote about him in that week’s paper - all on how his entry made her cry for two days, his story about his second post-vasectomy baby was so moving in fact that the magazine even rented him a limousine to get to the concert.

Adam was so happy that he was going to see ColdPlay in concert, he was all set.

1. Adam had a friend volunteer to baby sit the kids.
2. A limo was waiting outside to take him and his wife to the show.
3. Adam had $45 for food, drinks, and a t-shirt.
4. Adam had NO idea that the concert was canceled!

Adam was just about to leave for the show when he got the call, the concert was canceled! It was going to be moved to another night with the date to be announced. Adam was lost for words as he hung up the phone… his heart was broken, he went outside to collect his thoughts. He walked out onto his front porch and looked over at the limousine and noticed something odd, a giant tree branch was Investigating the backseat of the limousine for love stains! Adam’s oak tree had broken off a huge branch and crashed into the back of the limousine, the limousine was dead. The limousine driver saw Adam and raced over to let him know the limousine was insured and not to worry about it, the driver had just called his office and they had another car on its way. Adam told the limousine driver to call it off, Adam explained to him how he just received a call… the concert has been canceled. The limousine driver laughed and laughed, Adam did not laugh.

The next day a tree company gave Adam an estimate to remove the giant oak tree branch… $500! So not only did Adam not get to see ColdPlay but he was in the hole for $500! I think this all brings up an interesting question — If your soul dies in a forest, does ColdPlay make a sound?

Poor Adam

Adam went in this week for his two shots in the ass of thyroid meds and his radioactive pill… Not a good week. The pill will kill any (GOD forbid) remaining cancer cells in Adam’s body, and the thyroid meds were a must since he can’t take his normal meds with this radioactive pill… and of course it’s just another great excuse for Adam to show off the milky white gravitas known to the Ewoks as the GREAT MOONS OF ENDORE!

If you remember from a few posts ago “A shot in the dark side of your moon“, the shots of thyroid meds were on Wednesday and Thursday, both shots were in the ass… BUTT they were free! The price was $800 a butt shot, total of $1600 of ass shots. They also gave Adam meds for the sick feeling that goes along with taking a radioactive pill. Adam talked to the doctor and found a way to get the shots for free BUTT the radioactive pill was $1000.00!!!! HOLY CRAP FROM ADAM’S ENDORE!

Adam will be radioactive for a whole week and can’t visit his family until next Friday… It’s going to be a long week for Adam.

So in traditional Valentines fashion, Adam was an all alone sad bastard… of course. Adam’s family had a surprise birthday for his mother in law on Valentines day, Adams wife didn’t know about the party until two days before. Adam’s wife was guilted into going to the surprise party by her step father, she hadn’t seen her mom in so long so she really had to go.

Adams wife took the kids with her to Georgia for the whole weekend. This was going to be the first weekend in 5 years that Adam wasn’t being screamed at ever minute by the fruits of his loins! This would be a great little break for Adam but it was also Valentines day weekend and Adam does have a full range feelings, even though it just seems he can only express “Great Sadness“.

So it seemed that Adam would be all alone all weekend with his drunk smelly sad self and his sick sad dog, but I knew I had to do something… I couldn’t go out and have fun without thinking about Adam drinking alone on Valentines day. We called Adam and got him to come out and have some social drinking with us .

We all had a great time with a bunch of friends and all was well until… Adam went home that night and tried to cook after he had way too much to drink and ended up giving himself food poisoning from an undercooked steak! When his wife came home the next day he just sadly asked her to never leave him alone again

Poor Adam.

Now that Adam has gotten his braces off he is so excited to get his front tooth fixed and show off his “Hollywood Smile“!

Adam had his front tooth kicked out when he was a just a little boy(I’m sure he deserved it), the dentist saved the tooth somehow but the tooth turned black after a few years; Adam hasn’t smiled in a photo since he was eight so he is very excited to smile again .

STEP 1:
The dentist had to shave Adam’s tooth down to a stump in order to have something for the veneer to hold on to. This was VERY unpleasant for Adam but he went through with it, 25 minutes of painful drilling and he was done… At least he’d never have to go through that drilling ever again! The dentist took a mold of the shaved down tooth, put a temporary tooth in place and sent Adam on his way; It will take three weeks for his dentist to get the permanent veneer.

STEP 2:
Three weeks had passed and Adam’s permanent veneer was ready. The dentist took off the temporary tooth and placed on Adam’s veneer… “Oh No!” said the dentist. It turned out that Adam’s shaved down stump was way too dark and you could clearly see it under the veneer… It was like trying to hide a Fabergé egg in a butterfly’s corn hole. Adam had to have the tooth shaved down even more! So they shaved down Adam’s tooth again, 25 minutes of pain and then they took another mold of Adam’s tooth, put on another temporary and sent him on his way; It would be another three weeks until the new veneer was ready… WTF!!!

STEP 3:
Another three weeks went by and Adam was ready to get his new veneer on at last! The dentist reached for his pliers and pulled out Adam’s temporary tooth, “Oh No!” said the dentist!!!!!! The dentist cracked Adam’s shaved down stump of a tooth that was going to hold in his veneer! Adam was farmen pissed!!!! The dentist told Adam that now they will need to pull out the stump and put in a post to hold the veneer. So Adam had the dentist put in the post…Two hours of fun pain!!!! WTF!!!

STEP 4:
Adam needs to wait a month for the dentist to get a veneer to fit the new post. Adam has a temporary tooth in again, maybe next time it will work out… I don’t know what the frank could go wrong next, but I’m sure something will!

Poor Adam….

So it’s almost two years ago when Adam started wearing braces, and now they’re coming off just in time for Thanks Giving! Adam went to the orthodontist yesterday and had his braces removed, thank goodness some good news for once; Adam was so happy about getting his braces removed that he got a rainbow Care Bear retainer from his orthodontist to celebrate, this made Adam very very happy.

The first thing Adam did was buy a pornographic amount of Skittles and deep throat the whole bag, a dream that took two years to fulfill and 10 minutes to clean an extra small amount of vomit from a sugar overload.

Well now Adam can enjoy his Thanks Giving with a big mouth full of Turkey and only 2 minutes of brush time as it used to take Adam 10 minutes to clean his teeth between every meal. Adam can now enjoy the feeling of hot cooked flesh up against the naked skin of his teeth… Damn that’s hot!

Big up’s to you Adam, and Happy Thanks Giving to you and your family!

You can almost hear the sounds of coins falling out of Adam’s heart as he try’s to keep it all together, but this sound is hard to hear with an ear infection.

Adam’s son Jerome has a bad ear infection that is keeping him up all day and through the night, not good for a four year old. Adam’s wife brought Jerome to the doctor; they waited 45 minutes in the doctor’s office before the doctor even came into the room. The doctor finally came in and looked in Jerome’s ear and then walked out without saying anything… This angered Adam’s wife greatly. The nurse came in quickly and handed Adam’s wife a prescription to be filled and they were on their way.

Adam’s family was quite surprised when they went to pick up the prescription from the drug store and the price was $300!!!! Adam thought there must be a great mistake and called the doctor’s office. Adam explained to his doctor’s nurse that this couldn’t be right for a child’s ear infection. The nurse said that they would look into it and call Adam right back, so when the nurse didn’t call back after one day had past Adam turned green… ripped off his shirt, and punched a whole through their wall!!! Adam went down to ask what was going on, his son is in pain… Well they explained how they just forgotten about Adam and they already called the drug store yesterday and there is a new prescription waiting there for him. Adam was so mad and beat down at this point that he just turned around and went to the drug store.

Adam was going to pick up the prescription with the relief that everything was fixed… WAS! The drug store told Adam that the doctor prescribed a new drug that was $100 MORE!!! WTF!!! $400!!!!!! AHHHHH.

So at point Adam thought to himself about how the doctor must be at his office, the doctor must be very thirsty with an empty glass of reason and respect for mankind; Adam immediately drove down to the doctors office, turned red, grew five times his size and busted through the office wall and said “OH YEAH”! Adam poured the doctor a full glass of F%%$ YOU and left.

Adam told his story to a good friend who’s father is a doctor, Adam’s friend’s father hooked him up with a normal priced prescription that wasn’t anywhere near the price that the Satan doctor wanted to charge him. It took three days but finally Adam got a break, and Jerome had his medicine.

Poor Adam…

So Adam had his cancer removed from his throat a while ago now and he still needs to go through all the post-op steps. Adam needs to get a special shot in the ass that costs $1600 and he needs two injections spaced three months apart, this will equal to $2200…

Adam also needs a special radioactive pill that costs $1000, the pill will make Adam dangerous to be around for 48 hours so he needs to stay at a hotel for two days which will cost him another $200; after two days of the radioactive pill taking its course, Adam will need to take a radiation test that costs another $1000.

So $4400 later Adam will be free from worry with cancer but he will be dead from stress, it’s a catch 22 + $4378! Adam is so stressed that he still smokes his pipe, you’d think, “OMG, put that pipe down you just had throat cancer!”, but at this point it’s a do what you have to to get by…

Please GOD help Adam!!!

Ever since Adam’s family grew with the addition of their new baby Nina, their son Jerome has been a little jealous. Jerome is not the baby of the house anymore and he has been missing all of mommy’s attention. Adding to Jerome’s frustration it’s that time to start preschool, so now he is getting even less of mommy’s attention.

It has only been two weeks and Jerome has been labeled a bully at school. Jerome has been sent home twice for punching a kid in the stomach(to be fair the kid was asking for it, NEVER take another man’s gummy bears unless you wanna get 10 stitches and a night in the ER). The school suggested that Adam try putting Jerome on meds or giving him a little smack every once in a while… So the school basically said that drugs and violence will solve violence — WTF!!!

So Jerome is back at home for now until Adam can find a new preschool that doesn’t believe in the Chinese Mafia method of learning.

Wonderful.

Remember the old saying about BB guns when you were a kid — “You’ll shoot your eye out”, well they forgot to mention the saying for swords — “You’ll STAB your eye out”!

Jerome’s little buddy STABBED him in the eye last night when they were playing “knights” in the backyard with their toy wooden swords.

Adam heard the screaming from in the house and ran outside in 1 second flat. Jerome’s eye was as bloody as a New Jersey public school restroom! Adam picked Jerome up with his left hand and pulled the earth towards him with his right until the hospital was in front of them!

The doctor wasn’t sure of how bad the damage was so Adam and Jerome had to stay in the hospital overnight and have the doctor look at it again in the morning to see if Jerome’s eye would get better or worse.

“Thank Obama”!!! for the next day Jerome’s eye was much better and the doctor let them go home with a prescription of eye drops and bed rest.

Another fun visit to the hospital for Adam and his family!

Well it was the day of Adam’s surgery, he went in at 7am and came out around 10am. The surgery was a success and everything went right as rain, the kind of rain that could drown a full grown man in a flat field in less than 5 minutes.

Adam’s best friend J.R. drove Adam home from the hospital; J.R. traveled across country from Texas to help out Adam’s family on the week of his surgery. When J.R. and Adam got back to the house they saw that the cable company just started installing fiber cable all through the neighborhood. The installation was really loud and vibrated the whole house, just what Adam needs on the day of his surgery… Adam needs to sleep and now he has to listen to this crap! The noise was like a piping hot cup of coffee that you don’t drink but rather you slowly funnel into your ears until you don’t wake up.

J.R. parked his car out front so he could help Adam into his house. J.R. got Adam into the house than went to move his car, J.R. came outside 5 minutes later to witness the cable company drive into the side of his car! J.R. and the cable company truck driver started screaming at each other until the police arrived. The police sided with the cable company and told J.R. that he shouldn’t have parked in the street while the cable company was working. So not only did the cable company get to hit the car, they also got to make noise all day and keep Adam company while he tried to get sleep after his surgery.

Wonderful…!